Picture a Post-Apocalyptic World. The virus has long since fully mutated. There is no known cure or vaccine. Out of the 7.6 Billion people that populate the earth, there are only a handful of families scattered about the world that are safe. I know what you’re thinking. “Zombies?” you ask, simultaneously and flamboyantly trying to stifle a yawn... “Oh, HOW original”. Answer? Ummm... No. Smhh. Not zombies, stupid. You get bitten, you don’t turn into a flesh-eating, moaning, bloodied, partially dismembered, foot-dragging zombie. Smart-ass. If you get bitten, you do, in fact, mutate into an exact replica of present day Rose McGowan. (Why Rose McGowan you ask? Why not Susan Sarandon? Because in my story, Susan Sarandon died before the outbreak during the 30th Anniversary of Bill Durham. Crash and Nuke tried to re-enact their fight scene, but when Nuke throws his wild pitch that breaks through the door window on the 5th take, little does he know Sarandon was standing behind the glass. It’s deemed a “National Tragedy” by many (note: not all). So much so, that a film about the event was being scripted and casted. McGowan tried out for Annie Savoy and failed to seize the role. The title of the movie was going to be called ‘Dying Quail’, but that’s around the time when The Outbreak happened and consequently never went into full production.)
A few details that I’ll share about The McGowan Outbreak (TMO for short) if bitten are: 1) Make-up has zero effect, it just seeps through the skin. 2) Sunlight has zero effect, it just seeps through the skin. 3) Your hair stays within buzzcut length and never grows past that for all eternity. Which, technically is a cure for baldness finally, but still ... no cure for the Buzzcut. I mean, Rose McGowan Buzzcut is only thee sliiiightest of upgrades over Male Pattern Badness. But only for so long. If you think about it. I digress. Through painstaking trial and error and a little common sense actually, the surviving families (approximately 30 different locations world-wide) are sufficiently protected having built border walls composed of continuously connecting Barnes & Nobles stores. With the front of the store buildings facing the outside of the wall per usual, and the back of the buildings facing the inside. The idea is that a McGowan will always enter the front and leave by the front and never venture through the stockroom to leave via the rear employee exit. These communities are thus rendered safe.
Within one of such Barnes & Noble confines, there are two families. One family has a decent sized farm that’s been in their possession for generations and has a cow for milk. We’ll say it’s their last cow and we’ll call them Family #1. The other family does not have a cow. They trade with the “cow possessing” family #1 for milk. This is Family #2. The farm-less, cow-less, no milk making mof***in’’ Family #2.
One day, the leader of Family #2 approaches Family #1 to give suggestions on how to make the milk taste better, from the ground up, the grazing practice, to less harsh homogenization, to adjusting the ph balance, blahbity blah blah, you name it, and etcetera.
Now, the leader of Family #1 wasn’t entirely opposed to the idea of having the milk taste better, but they’d have to change their whole process for such a minute, hypothetical change with no way of knowing if the milk will actually taste “better” at the end of the day, so to speak. Their way, of about 150 years experience, seemed fine and got results. Besides, there were more important things to worry about. With an endless supply of Jawbreaker, those 4 seasons of Charmed co-co-co-starring Paige Mathews and The Sound dvds flooding the Barnes & Nobles every 2 weeks. I mean, SOMEBODY had to keep the community bonfire going.
Anyway. The extremely anti-climatic ending to this story ends with a brutally non-Aaron Sorkin-esque exchange of dialog that probably went like this:
***
Family #2 leader: “ I can make better milk”.
Family #1 leader: “ Can you? ... do you have your own cow”?
Family #2 leader: “ No “.
Family #1 leader: “ Hmmm. Will you EVER have your OWN cow? “
Family #2 leader: “ No “.
Family #1 leader: “ Meh. f***-off then”.
***
The End
...
... or is it?