Article: Stomach Bug Besieges the Fort: Red Sox Bedeviled by Bum Tum

[Caleb Kohn]

Internal turmoil has stricken the Red Sox, which is to say that a whole lot of players have a stomach bug.

Spring training is a time when players and teams are focused on conditioning. Much like the Oregon Trail, the 162-game season is a slog, and it’s imperative to start out in peak condition. As it turns out, there’s another similarity between spring training the Oregon Trail: the possibility of contracting dysentery. While every team suffers injuries as its players ramp up to full baseball activities, the Red Sox are having more trouble in the bathroom than the weight room, as a stomach bug has been tearing through the clubhouse.

Wilyer Abreu was the first to show signs of illness, suffering from a stubborn gastrointestinal virus that caused him to shed weight. After quarantining for the first weeks of camp, Abreu was cleared to join the team on February 28, giving him just four weeks to get up to speed. Roman Anthony, the consensus top prospect in baseball, was the next domino to fall. Anthony made the 90-minute bus ride to Bradenton for a game against the Pirates, then immediately called an Uber and returned to Fort Myers, which epidemiologists are now referring to as “Outbreak Vector One.” Anthony’s roommate Marcelo Mayer succumbed to the bug the next day. The two sat with new teammate Alex Bregman on the bus to Bradenton. According to sources in the clubhouse, Bregman, a New Mexico native, brought along “a shocking quantity” of homemade armadillo jerky, a delicacy in his home state, in order to ingratiate himself with the young prospects. When reached for comment, manager Alex Cora said the jerky was likely unrelated to the outbreak, but “out of an abundance of caution, Alex has been kindly asked to find alternative ways of connecting with his new teammates.”

In recent days, Romy Gonzalez and Triston Casas have also fallen ill, marking five Boston bellies afflicted so far. While the source of the illness has yet to be identified, a full investigation is underway. Several officials from the Centers for Disease Control have been reassigned to Fort Myers from the Texas measles outbreak in order to combat what they are calling “the top priority of the United States government.” The club has also sprung into action. On Wednesday, beat writers noted the presence of several dozen flyers posted throughout the locker room. The flyers read:

In order to reduce transmission of disease, Red Sox management is instituting the following policies, effective immediately:

• All players are encouraged to breathe less.
• All HR approval for workplace romances is hereby rescinded.
• Bathrooms are not to be used as meeting spaces (this means you, Rob Refsnyder).
• Double-dipping chips will now result in a monetary fine.
• High-fives are permitted only to celebrate home runs. Batting gloves must be worn.
• All conversations must follow mound visit protocol: Cover your mouth with your glove. All gloves will be upgraded with N95-level filtration in the webbing.

Despite the decisive action from management, players have done their best to put on a brave face. “Yeah, I mean it’s not that bad, considering,” said Garrett Whitlock. “I’d much rather shred my stomach lining than go through another Tommy John.” Garrett Crochet, who joined the Red Sox in December after spending four seasons with the White Sox, seemed puzzled by the uproar. "I don't know what the big deal is,” he told reporters through his glove. “Back in 2022, our entire infield was barfing the whole first week of spring training. They didn't even sit out the games. The grounds crew just bought up every bag of Diamond Dry in the city of Glendale."

The Red Sox cannot afford to have any more starters fall behind on their strength and conditioning programs. At the behest of Abreu and Anthony, the team has converted the north bathroom complex into a combination bathroom/weight room. To facilitate multitasking, each stall has been widened to include a kettle bell station and a shoulder press machine over the toilet to allow afflicted players to multitask. With the season starting in just three weeks, it remains to be seen whether these efforts will leave the Red Sox with enough players to field a team on Opening Day. The situation has given some younger players a chance to show what they can do. To this point, the only member of the Big Three unaffected by the illness is Kristian Campbell. The second baseman notched his second hit of spring training on Thursday and was seen celebrating after the game with a huge mouthful of armadillo jerky.

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[moonslav59]

I hopes these guys have the guts to get over this internal turmoil.

[5GoldGlovesOF,75]

Not even Bregman can teach intestinal fortitude.

This is a rite of passage for the younger guys... many passages.

 

[mvp 78]

An update to the Code Brown Emergency:

 

[Caleb Kohn]

18 minutes ago, mvp 78 said:

An update to the Code Brown Emergency:

 

My understanding was that Casas is near death. Reporters are expecting a priest any hour to deliver last rights. 

[mvp 78]

 

[mvp 78]

1 hour ago, Caleb Kohn said:

My understanding was that Casas is near death. Reporters are expecting a priest any hour to deliver last rights. 

I wouldn't be surprised about this. He seems like a guy that just puts everything in his mouth. 

[5GoldGlovesOF,75]

2 hours ago, Caleb Kohn said:

My understanding was that Casas is near death. Reporters are expecting a priest any hour to deliver last rights. 

Since Casas worships the sun, it would have to be a high priest of probably Aztec, Mayan or Incan origin. But that might mean the guy had to travel, since cannabis is illegal in Florida for recreational use.

[mvp 78]

25 minutes ago, 5GoldGlovesOF,75 said:

Since Casas worships the sun, it would have to be a high priest of probably Aztec, Mayan or Incan origin. But that might mean the guy had to travel, since cannabis is illegal in Florida for recreational use.

I'm sure the crack medical staff can get him a note for the fine folks down at Curaleaf.