Youk Of The Nation

I...what...I mean...really? Seriously?

Suprised the Steelers, Red Sox, Red Wings, Leafs, Canadiens, among others, weren't on the list. I mean, the Texans? Really?

I can tell you how bad they are. Really, really bad. Really, really, really, really bad. Well, actually, it depends. Which part of that mangled raw hamburger used to be ligaments?

Holy motherf***ing s***. I mean, seriously...July? If that happened to me they'd probably have to amputate my foot. Half of those pictures are at an angle where it looks like the only thing holding his foot on is a little skin.

Hey, everyone, Steve Irwin is back from the dead! You must be tremendous fun at parties. For the record, I know piranha aren't generally man-eating, and at the risk of doing what you were doing (destroying someone else's mediocre joke with pompous and dry recitation of animal behavior), if you drop someone in a small tank with a school of piranha they will eventually eat them.

Touche. Touche. Well played.

Hey, the things have been known to devour a cow down to the bones in minutes, other than the fact that cows are useful to human society, what's the difference between them and Jenks?

I would like to say as probably one of the only people on this board who has watched almost every Colorado Rockies game since 2003, please don't be too encouraged by Aaron Cook. When he's good, he's good, he's a great groundball pitcher. But much like Wakefield, when he's not at his absolute best, he's awful. Some guys can not be at their best and still gut out 7 innings. Aaron Cook either pitches 7 innings of 1-run ball or pitches 1 inning of 7-run ball. I would like to see him become a working part of the Sox pitching staff, but I am not convinced he can make the transition from probably the easiest division in baseball to what is certainly the most difficult.

It's clear what happened. Joba jumped onto on the trampoline, which promptly sagged until it touched the ground, and realizing he was far too hilariously fat to jump on a trampoline, he stepped off, which caused the trampoline to shoot back upward, launching his son hundreds of feet in the air like a white-trash NASA experiment. While running as fast as his mother in the exercise yard, he covered vast distances in an attempt to catch his child like an errant Tebow pass, and just as he hauled in the kid like Hines Ward, he tripped and fell, injuring his ankle and most likely registering at least 4.5 on the Richter Scale. Obviously, Cashman is choosing not to reveal all of the details, lest this become an embarrassment.

They should release him into a pool of vinegar filled with piranha. Um, you know, piranha specially bred and genetically engineered to survive in vinegar. Uh..yeah, also, something with fire.

This may come as a complete surprise, but I agree. What an *******.

The potential headlines if he pitches badly are totally worth the signing.

Okay, I've been to Fenway maybe 25-30 times, and I agree with them. Is that okay? How many times do you have to have gone there before you are allowed to have an opinion? How many times do you really need to go to a place to get the feel of it? Every single time I go to Fenway, I am in awe. I never complain about the seats because every five minutes I am jumping out of them to cheer for the Red Sox, which is why I am there in the first place. Every year I see more and more signs that my own generation, and even those a little older than I am, are showing less and less concern for preserving the history of our country if it interferes with comfort or convenience. Fenway is the embodiment of Boston's history. Everything around it changes, but it has been in the same spot, serving the same purpose, for an entire century. When I go into Fenway park, I can almost imagine that I can see history playing out around me. It's, for lack of a better term, magical. I've been to the new Yankee Stadium, I've been to PNC park, and I've been to Comerica. They are nice stadiums, comfortable, enjoyable to watch a game in. But you know what was missing? The feel of baseball. Every one of them just felt like a place that the team was using that day, like a football field that's been recovered with dirt to play baseball on while the football season is over. At Fenway park, you look around, you see the Green Monster sticking out no matter which part of the stadium you are in, you see Pesky's pole, and if you're close enough to it, the hundreds of names of visiting fans scrawled on it in Sharpie, and you close your eyes and you can feel the vibration of every single stomping foot, every single encouraging chant, every word coming over the PA system, and when you see all of that, feel all of that at once, there is absolutely no doubt in your mind that this is a field of baseball, there is absolutely nothing else you can mistake it for. I wouldn't install an elevator on the face of Mt. Rushmore, I wouldn't put ten-foot security fences along the edge of the Grand Canyon, I wouldn't fix the crack in the Liberty Bell, and I sure as hell wouldn't tear down a piece of the soul of every Red Sox fan in the history of baseball just to replace it with something that has bigger cupholders.

It's Ozzie Guillen. He might have said that, but no one can be sure what he's saying.

Why is that good? It starts snowing in Minnesota in October and ends in...earlier October. It can snow in early November in all those places you listed. There's no reason ridiculously extreme cold or snow should impact a World Series game in November because it shouldn't be played in November. One of the only annoying things to come as a result of players organizing is the eliminations of double-headers as a normal scheduling occurrence. Baseball should end in October.

No, he's not a Yankees fan, he already said that.

Welcome! What were you converted from?

Probably storing Mark Buerhle, Paul Konerko, and Carlos Quentin in bubble-wrapped cryogenic units during the offseason.

Pedroia: Kirk, circa TOS. Young, passionate, driven. Arrogant but likable, able to motivate his crew with nothing more than a penetrating glare Gonzalez: Picard. Soft-spoken and diplomatic. Unwilling to use force unless pushed past the point where pretentious speeches and level-headedness will work. Surrounded by people who respect him but who wouldn't mind him shoving a photon torpedo down someone's throat every so often. Youkilis: Sisko. Emotional. Short-tempered when things are going bad. Respectable and yet simultaneously unliked by those who do not know him extremely well. A great Captain in wartime. Varitek: Archer. Chronologically the first Captain, much more lax when it comes to shipboard discipline. Still able to hold his crew together for many years, but could have been much more venerated had he been stricter in his enforcement of regulations. More friendly and open with subordinates. Started off strong and confident, and then dwindled into getting the s*** kicked out of him every other episode. Lester: Pike. A good leader, a good man, but unless you're a really hardcore fan, what do you know about the guy beyond what he does when he pitches? Bonus: JD Drew: Janeway. Lost, far from where he was supposed to be, completely unable to get his ship and crew to home until someone else intervened on his behalf. Teetering on the edge of incompetence and almost entirely unwatchable during the last season. So my answer is no one.

Yeah, we should get rid of Beckett. Lester, too. And we should kick out Pedroia, Youkilis, Ellsbury, and Bard, and then celebrate and toast our principles while the Red Sox lose 100 games every year for the next six decades. What do we need Beckett for? He's only good for 16-20 wins a season, anyone can do that. TEAM DUCKWORTH!

Welcome

Yeah, but now he's playing for the Pirates. It's a tossup.

I don't know who to feel worse for, the Pirates or Burnett.

Unlike some of you old farts, I have never rooted for a Red Sox team that didn't include Tim Wakefield. But then, I only started watching baseball in 2002, so I haven't rooted for a team that didn't include Jason Varitek either.

It was a (likely) futile attempt at lightening things up to get you people to stop turning everything into a "I disagree with you which automatically means you're stupid" argument.