The other problem with that, besides wanting Bard as a starter, is that Cook would have to actually pitch at some point. There'd be no way around it. You'd try, but despite your best efforts to avoid such a fate ultimately circumstances would conspire against you and you'd be pushed into a corner where you'd have no choice but to say a prayer to Jesus, brace for the inevitable, close your eyes tight, say some choice last words, and give him the ball. It would have to happen eventually and when it did, ugly things would follow.
We're talking about a ballpark that's among the best batting average parks iin the league,and the best doubles ballpark in the league barring none, and bringing in a guy who pitches to contact and doesn't necessarily keep the ball down. It *would* be a disaster. Not might. Not could. Not merely a cause for concern. This would happen.