For those enraged or depressed, Sam K is here to address all concerns:
1. The Dead (and buried) Line: we didn't trade any expiring contracts and will lose all those players when we refuse to extend them, but don't worry -- Chaim will just sign another bunch of band-aids on one-year deals next winter!
2. Pitching and Moaning: the front orifice acknowledges the right to bare arms, so we're rolling up our sleeves preparing to dip into the next market. Chaim has his entire brothel of analysts already scouring the dregs of orthopedics for waiver wire and DFA candidates. Our openers are not the problem; we need better bulk guys, and are prepared to make mid-level offers to the best available middle-inning relievers (suitable for matching by their favorite big league cities).
3. Last place: is actually First Place if you get the #1 Overall Pick in next summer's Amateur Draft. We welcome all Red Sox fans to watch us down the stretch for another fight with our arch-rivals, the Yankees, for top consolation prize. After all, for a mid-market team that can't spend its way to contention, when it comes to building through the draft to compete, what's worse than finishing fifth? The answer is obvious -- fourth! The answer my friends is blowing in the wins. Tanks for the memories...
4. Venmo: to better accommodate our loyal fans, we've set up a new pay portal for instant account drainage re. tix, parking and concessions: @sucker...