Obviously:
Peavy was to busy riding his duckboat to train in the offseason.
Lester got poopy pants because of his WS performance but not getting a bigger paycheck.
Lackey's reclamation project finished so now he's swimming in Bud Light.
Ortiz got an extension so now doesn't have to hit until next year.
Napoli is still shirtless and drunk on Boylston.
Pedey is too concerned with his hair transplant surgery.
Gomes was honorably discharged.
Carp was reeled in.
The team's chemistry sucks with AJ.
WMB no longer had the excitement from his secret gf.
Vic got s*** on by 3 birds.
Nava took so much growth hormones that his feet no longer fit in the glass slipper.
Farrell decided it's easier to manage from the bottom of the standings.
Ben is chaffed from all the motorboating.
The lack of cutie Ellsbury has caused the pink hats to become bored with the Sox.
Doubront is fat and happy.
Buchholz's fat baby has caused irreparable damage to his shoulder.
It's like you're not even paying attention anymore!!!