Youk Of The Nation

I'm surprised this didn't happen long ago. He's basically been worthless to the Dodgers, especially given how much money he is owed.

This isn't even the right forum for this.

Well, that loss was going to be merely depressing, I thank the Red Sox for making it heart-wrenching instead.

How, exactly, is Marco Hernandez an improvement over Christian Vazquez in this situation?

Playoff births only happen if you conceive during football season.

Well, I think we all knew that going an entire game without the Jays hitting at least one home run was probably unlikely. Hopefully that's it.

BALTIMORE - In a stunning reversal of centuries of established precedent, God himself has reached down from the unfathomable heavens and smote both the New York Yankees and the Baltimore Orioles. According to shocked, reverent eyewitnesses early Sunday afternoon, as the Orioles participated in batting practice and the Yankees unpacked their bags in the visitors' clubhouse, a "gargantuan, flaming hand" descended from the clouds and scoured Camden Yards with white-hot fire. The flames almost instantly vaporized the Baltimore Orioles, and only the concrete walls of the ballpark prevented the outright vaporization of the Yankees as well, though it did not prevent their deaths. The only survivors in the ballpark were concession, groundskeeping, and security personnel. Fleeing staffers reported both hailstorms and thunderous rain, and more than one spoke in hushed terror of watching over 50 Yankees and Orioles players, coaches, and trainers perish beneath the cleansing fires of Almighty justice. "I just...I don't know", said Mark Talbot of Annapolis. "One minute I was watching the Orioles stretching and preparing for the game, and the next minute, the air began to sear my skin and I watched Buck Showalter's face slide from his skull and puddle at his feet in a yellow swamp of rancid, bubbling fat." Other terrified witnesses described the horrifying specter of death sweeping around the field, cleaving heads from shoulders and disemboweling players at random before atomizing their corpses in flashes of fire. "Adam Jones' skeleton just stood there for a split second. It almost smiled, and then it exploded into millions of pieces and tore poor Schoop apart. This is the worst thing to happen to Baltimore since...well, I guess since at least yesterday.", said Andrea Knight of Baltimore. "The last thing this city needed was yet another smoking crater. But at least the Yankees went with them." Indeed, most of the survivors, while distraught at the loss of the only professional sports team in Baltimore not filled with unconvicted felons, were far more cheerful at the simultaneous destruction of the Yankees. Oliver Gibson, the custodial supervisor of Camden Yards' clubhouses, described with glee the demise of New Yorks' most hated baseball team, which he observed firsthand before being miraculously transported unharmed to the street outside the stadium. "I'm pretty sure Rodriguez wet his pants when the ceiling started to collapse", Gibson said through strangled laughter. "And when the faceless, burning angels of God's vengeance stormed into the room and began rending the players limb-from-limb, I saw Girardi and Gardner try to use Sabathia as a shield. Didn't work, though, I think all three of them were skewered with a single sword." In the wake of the incident, churches up and down the Eastern Seaboard have seen a marked increase in visitors. "I used to be an atheist", said Timothy Eastford of Boston. "But this has really changed my life. There truly is a God, and like all good, decent men he has announced publicly his loathing for the New York Yankees." Eastford announced that he intends to make a pilgrimage to the ruins of Camden Yards, to thank God for his good works by sacrificing a Yankees fan who has been bound and gagged inside a goat costume. Not all reactions to the attack by God have been positive, however. Speaking from his regular spot at Satan's private poker table, George Steinbrenner, former Yankees owner and father of current owners Hal and Hank Steinbrenner, made it clear that he does not support the actions of God in any matter pertaining to the New York Yankees. "I spent years hammering out my agreements with my beloved overlord, Satan, true master of man, and despite the clear language of our contracts, God still saw fit to interfere with the order of things.", Steinbrenner said as he laid out a heart flush and used his flabby arms to scoop the last of Adolf Hitler's stakes to his chest. "We were able to stay his hand in some matters, but that arrogant bastard still cost us the 1997 World Series. Guardians/Marlins? What the f***? Where are my five in a row?" Steinbrenner also threatened to use Hell's best lawyers to retaliate against God for the death of the entire Yankees active roster. "There's a reason Hell is still here. We have the best legal team that money or evil can buy." Steinbrenner said confidently as he dealt the second round of cards to Osama Bin Laden, John Wilkes Booth, and Dr. Christopher Harris, the man who advised against aborting the child that would later grow up to be Dane Cook. God Himself could not be reached for comment, though a spokeswoman from his office warned Steinbrenner and Satan against any legal action. "We will brook no insolence from The Dark Lord Himself, nor from Satan. This action was an unambiguous statement by God that both the Yankees and Orioles can just suck it. Much as the volcano that erupted beneath the unoccupied Yankee Stadium yesterday, this should serve as a reminder of where the Master of All Creation stands on this matter. We had thought that all had been made clear back in 2001 when we let a bunch of guys in purple uniforms beat the best closer of all time, but obviously no one got the message. Well, so be it." God's office went on to explain that should Hell pursue litigation, God would respond by humiliation: shrinking the genitals of both living Steinbrenner brothers by five inches. God's spokeswoman then checked her notes and announced "Never mind, I guess only by half an inch. Whatever it takes to get them down to one." More will be released as this story develops, the police and the government of Maryland are certain that further evidence will become available as the embers of God's Wrath cool enough to allow emergency crews access to the site, where they can dismantle the pyramid of skulls and determine the identity of each victim.

But watching or following a game and being happy when the Yankees score or when a Yankees pitcher strikes out an opposing player might feel too much like rooting for the Yankees. I really wish there was a way the Yankees and Orioles could both lose when they play. Where is a meteor strike when you need one?

Nothing is wrong with it, it's just another sport that's not as physically demanding as baseball. Hell, my grandmother was in a bowling league until a few years ago. She switched to a lighter ball when she started using her oxygen tank, and only stopped because she couldn't stand up for long periods of time. She could still throw the ball if they allowed people in wheelchairs in her old league.

Same here. I can be happy that the Orioles lost, but that's not the same thing as being happy the Yankees won, and I certainly can't actively root for them during the game. I wonder though, if it came down to it, if I could. For example, if the Sox had played all of their games and were waiting for the result of one last game to determine whether they made the postseason or not, and that game was Yankees-Orioles or Yankees-Tigers or whatever. Could I root for the Yankees during the game if a Yankees win meant the Sox made the postseason, and a Yankees loss meant the Sox went home? Hmmm

I'm going to change the title of this quiz so we can share and challenge any Red Sox quizzes from other sites. There are a lot of good ones, and this is a fun topic.

147/181. Got everyone in the top 20 except Reggie Jefferson. Also got every single player from the time I began watching in 2002, which I am proud of. Even remembered guys who only hit one or two, like Van Every or Dustan Mohr. All of the ones I missed were from pre-2002, and most of those were the ones who hit less than 5. In fact, the only player besides Jefferson I missed who hit double-digit HRs was Wil Cordero.

UN?, you really should make your traditional "f*** up" comment as a separate post. Don't want to deviate too much from established mojo.

The Hartford Courant movie review headline was "Shell Schlock". About what I expected.

Unless you prefer the Yankees, in which case you are definitely wrong and also a jerk.

To be fair, Portland and Vancouver only have competition from one Big 4 league in their cities. Seattle only has two of the Big 4. I'm not sure when the soccer season is. Does it conflict with the NFL or MLB in Seattle?

Tazawa hasn't given up a HR since the second game of the season, until today. I'm not quite ready to stuff him in a burlap sack and drop it into the river. 2-2 in Baltimore was more or less what I was expecting. They're a tough team.

It also does weird things when you quote posts. I've noticed a lot of posts where the quoted post has changed all of the capital letters to lowercase. Very strange. Almost as strange as the ridiculous requirement that all teams get an All-Star, even terrible teams like the Braves. But hey, imagine how bad the 2003 ASG would have been if the Tigers hadn't sent Dmitri Young! Shudder to think.

Jeff Francoeur!

I have a few people in mind, I'd rather not publicly announce the "candidates", to avoid any sort of public debate over who deserves it. Who knows? If we had made it a voted position, I might never have become a mod, and all of your lives would have been poorer for it.

I have already been speaking to YZ for a week or so about adding another Mod, it's just going slowly because he is not online as often as I am. It will probably happen soon. though.

Matt Albers on the bases was the most ridiculous looking thing I have ever seen. Bartolo Colon trotting out his HR looked more athletic than Albers.

I figured someone who went with the "first name as an initial" was probably embarrassed at how it sounded, given the alliteration with the surname. So I tried thinking of the most pretentious, embarrassing name for a child to grow up with.

I think Cap Anson had the game-winning hit.

I think that's what the Swiss kids do.