Youk Of The Nation

I wonder how often Robbie Grossman got picked on in school.

You can't give up legitimate hits to guys named "Marwin"

Toronto already up 2-0 on the Yankees.

That was the opposite of fun.

Baby goats are called "kids". Eh, it wasn't that great, but how often do I get the chance to make that joke?

Too subtle?

Violence against kids is nothing to joke about.

You never know. If I recall correctly, that game a few years ago when Texas beat Baltimore 30-3, was actually led 3-0 by Baltimore at one point.

I'll take that.

This is exactly what I was going to say.

Ahh, the Red Sox glory days of the early 1900s. Tell me, Fred, what was that like?!

I had completely forgotten that Carlos Pena existed, let alone that he played for Houston now.

Alfredo Aceves will now be playing in a stadium with drastically reduced security compared to Fenway, which will increase the chances of someone breaking his kneecaps.

Jordany Valdespins' rookie career has hit a Wall.

No one important, just a list of previously banned idiots. NickiMinaj was one of them.

Thanks for the slip of the tongue. (Or fingers, technically, I guess). You inspired me to take a second look at your IP addresses.

Thanks for the slip-up. You inspired me to take a second look at your IP addresses.

If Ted could finish a single ear of corn on the cob without his dentures. Turns out the dude can gum like a champ. Who knew?

I don't know anything about basketball, but I assume he would, seeing as NBA players are usually about eight feet taller than your average high school student. He probably wouldn't have to worry about shots being blocked.

Scene: 50 years from now, the Humber Family Estate Fade in. An elderly man with a full beard, except on his cheeks where it looks more like the first few years of growth after a devastating forest fire, sits in an antique rocking chair. On the floor, in a semicircle around him, sit five children, ranging in age from 3 to 10 Child 1: Grampa Phil, can you tell us about baseball? Phillip Humber: (sighs deeply) Ahhh, my wonderful grandchildren, I thought you'd never ask. You see, I once played baseball, back before the entire game was played by statistics computers in a climate -controlled laboratory underneath the wastelands of New Jersey. Child 2: You mean you played with real bats and balls and gloves and stuff? Phillip Humber: That's right! I played baseball for the Chicago White Sox! Child 1: Mommy told me you played for the Houston Astr- Phillip Humber: Well, Mommy married a journeyman plumber, too, so Mommy isn't always right, is she, darling? Now shush. Anyways, I played for the White Sox, and one time, I pitched a perfect game! I was just a kid back then, but I can remember it like it was yesterday.... Child 3: Woooow! You pitched a perfect game!? That's incredible, Grampa! Why haven't you ever told us? Phillip Humber: I did! It's all I ever talk about. I told the lady at the grocery store the other day, and just this morning I chased the UPS guy down the sidewalk in my anti-grav wheelchair, screaming about how I once set down 27 men in a row! Child 4: I checked the internet, Grampa. They say perfect games are sometimes the spark to ignite a truly spectacular career. Can I check the rest of your career stats on the- Phillip Humber: NO! No, I mean, just...no, I was a fantastic baseball player. I won at least four...no, five World Series. I won the Cy Young award fifteen times, including in the NL and AL in the same year. Anyways, yes, that's what your Grampa did. Well, anything else you want to know about ol' Grampa Phils' baseball career? Child 3: Which team did you pitch your perfect game against? Phillip Humber:...the Yankees. A single tear falls from Phillip Humbers' eye Child 5: Grampa, I don't think I've ever heard a more depressing story about momentary triumph followed by boring, inadequate effort. Phillip Humber: Well, in that case, let me tell you about my old friend Dallas Braden...

Aceves sent Lavarnway home.

Back when you were in your early 70s, right?

...after which I will change it to "All Hail YOTN" and then lock you out of your own user controls forever.

...which is the problem. When someone says something like "Your Dodgers", which is annoying but not profane, replying to it with 'f*** you ******* dipshit f***er' for two paragraphs is far, far worse. How about using the ignore feature? We have one, and if more people used it things would be much simpler around here.

Oooooo