Article: A Friendly Reminder From HR

[Davy Andrews]

A totally real, not at all fabricated email about the events of Sunday's header.

From: Red Sox HR

Date: Mon, Sep 23, 2024 at 9:01 AM

Subject: Bathroom meetings (again)

To: Refsnyder, Rob

 

Hey Rob!!

Jerry here. What a day! The HR team had a little get-together on Sunday, and everybody loved watching you grind the Twins down into a paste and bulldoze their dreams. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I grew up in Minnesota. When you guys put up that nine-spot in the second game, I thought about all the people I used to know back home who were surely crying into their hot dish at that very moment, and I have to tell you, my soul just brimmed with joy. Anyhow, I’m writing because I heard that you gave Triston a pep talk before his third home run, and that it really boosted his confidence. That’s wonderful. However, I heard that this pep talk took place while he was going to the bathroom, and, well, we’ve talked about this, Rob. We’ve talked about it kind of a lot. I am sure that you had the best of intentions, but the bathroom is where people like their privacy. You cannot just walk up to a teammate while he’s using the urinal and start an “impromptu meeting.” Bathrooms are not for meetings, regardless of whether you’ve sent a calendar invite.

I’m sorry for all that negativity. We’re all about fostering a positive culture here, and I so love that you’re putting yourself out there. The Red Sox never want to put a damper on the enthusiasm of any member of our community. But please be mindful that everyone has different boundaries. I know that you don’t consider the bathroom to be a private zone, but by now you really should really be able to remember that your teammates feel differently (as do your coaches, the analytics department, Eric from marketing, and that one hot dog vendor).

I'm sure Triston didn't feel threatened. You've got the wholesome good looks of the rom-com protagonist who's such a supportive friend that it takes the female lead a full 90 minutes to realize that he's also a total biscuit. However, we have rules for a reason. Whenever you want to start a conversation with someone, it’s always a good idea to take a moment and ask yourself: If this person didn’t want to talk to me, would they be physically capable of running away? If the answer is no, you should probably wait for them to initiate the conversation. You are a leader in the clubhouse, and that is such an important role. Just try to keep in mind that the team is not under any circumstances looking for a leader in the bathroom. That is not a position that needs filling. It is not a position at all.

I should also make it clear that Triston was not the person who informed me about the situation. When something like this happens, I'm required to ask the affected parties if they wish to register a formal complaint, and he said no. Well, I think he was saying no. What he actually said was, "Reffy's a regal raccoon in a world of possums, and I won't be the one who shaves his tail." If you have any insight into what he meant by that, please let me know--both so that I can update the incident report and because if I don't find out, I will spend every day for the rest of my life with that phrase echoing around my head on an endless loop.

Unfortunately, this latest slip-up means that you have to watch that sensitivity training video again. I know that you’re not a fan, but as you requested last time, I checked with legal and they confirmed that “Even employees who have displayed the ability to recite the entire script from memory (including hand gestures) are required to watch the video and score a 70% or higher on the multiple-choice quiz following each incident.”

Yuck. sorry for all the corporate speak. Not my favorite part of the job! But it’s so important to make sure that everyone is comfortable. I hope you don’t feel like I’m singling you out, because you’re certainly not the only person who makes mistakes. Back in the 2000s, Johnny Damon had the exact opposite problem from yours. I’ve got an entire filing cabinet full of disciplinary memos about it (not to mention a couple dozen contractor invoices for all the times we had to replace the carpet in the conference room).

I know you can do this, Rob. Just remember that slogan we came up with: Going to the bathroom is NOT a team sport. And any time you want a refresher on the rules, I am more than happy to talk about it (not in the bathroom).

Best regards,

Jerry

 

This is satire.

 

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