Birthday contest: $10 mlb.com gift certificate

[yankeessuck013]

I have a joke: The winner of this contest will not be yankeessuck013, even though he has done all this work!!!

 

I can hear the laughter now...

 

what work? copying and pasting is a ton of work *sarcasm*

[Mueller11]

Subject: TRUE SOX FAN!!

 

A Red Sox fan used to amuse himself by scaring every Yankee fan he saw strutting down the street in the obnoxious NY pinstripe shirt.

 

He would swerve his van as if to hit them, and then swerve back just missing them.

 

One day, while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

 

"I'm going to give mass at St. Francis church, about 2 miles down the road," replied the priest.

 

"Climb in, Father! I'll give you a lift!" The priest climbed into the rear passenger seat, and they continued down the road.

 

Suddenly, the driver saw a Yankee fan walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back into the road just in time. Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud "THUD."

 

Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything. He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I almost hit that Yankee fan."

 

"That's OK," replied the priest, "I got him with the door."

 

 

GO SOX!!!

[element1151]

A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer."

 

The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars."

 

The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.

 

"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."

 

The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks.

 

Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."

[element1151]

Questions Not To Ask In Foreign Lands

 

IRELAND

“Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk?”

 

FRANCE

“Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that?”

 

ITALY

“I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O’s! ”

 

GERMANY

“Is this bratwurst kosher?”

 

SWEDEN

“Do you have any normal meatballs?”

 

CANADA

“You’re like Americans without money.”

 

SAUDI ARABIA

“Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car?"

 

RUSSIA

“Is it always this cold and economically devastated?”

 

UZBEKISTAN

“Can you spell Uzbekistan?”

 

GREECE

“I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."

 

AFGHANISTAN

“Seriously, where is the real country… where is everything?”

 

JAPAN

“What’s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?”

[Radgeta]

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

 

 

 

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

 

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same." The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"

- Radgeta is hilarious!

Airline food; What's up with that?

 

A man goes to the doctor.

"Whats the problem?" asks the doctor.

"Whenever I use this finger I feel immense pain," said the man holding out the finger.

"Well maybe you shouldn't use it jackass," replied the doctor

Eh...Maybe I over estimated Radgeta.

[Radgeta]

For sale by owner: Complete set of Encyclopedia Brittanicas. No longer need them -- damn wife knows everything.

 

 

 

 

 

A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.

 

 

 

 

 

The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?" The husband replies, "Autumn."

[element1151]

Here is a joke.

God knows i need one.

 

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. 'No woman,' said one man, scornfully, 'can keep a secret.'

 

'I don't know about that,' answered a blonde woman guest. 'I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.'

 

'You'll let it out some day,' the man insisted.

 

'I hardly think so!' responded the blonde lady. 'When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.'

[element1151]

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

 

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."

 

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150 .

[element1151]

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

 

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.

 

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

 

"Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"

[Soxfan1]

Three baseball fans are walking home from a game at friendly Fenway Park.

One is wearing a Red Sox cap, the second one is wearing an Guardians cap, and the third one is wearing a Yankees cap.

As they are walking down Commonwealth Avenue, they see a pair of legs sticking out from under a bush. Upon further inspection, they find that it is a totally naked dead woman.

A crowd starts to gather before the police arrive, so they decide to give the woman some vestige of dignity. The first one places his Red Sox cap over her left breast. The second one places his Guardians cap over her right breast. The third one places his Yankees cap over her crotch.

The police arrive to investigate. The detective picks up the Red Sox cap for a moment, takes a quick look, writes a few things in his notepad, then puts the cap back on her breast. He picks up the Guardians cap, takes a quick look, writes a few things in his notepad, then puts the cap back on her other breast. He picks up the Yankees cap, takes a quick look, starts to write in his notepad, but stops and scratches his head for a moment, with a puzzled look on his face. Then he kneels down real close, sticks his fingers in the womans crotch, spreading it open and staring.

Now one of the baseball fans yells at him: “Hey, what are you some kind of pervert?”

To this the officer replies: “Oh, no, of course not. I just need to double check because every other Yankees cap I’ve ever seen had an ******* under it!”

[Soxfan1]

Albert Einstein is at a party and asks one of the guests, “What is your IQ”

“165”

“Great, we can talk about nuclear physics and cosmology”

After a few minutes of lively discourse, another party guest tries to get in on the conversation.

Einstein asks him, “What is your IQ”

“64”

To which Einstein replies: “GO YANKEES!”

[Soxfan1]

A teacher asks her students if they are Yankees fans.

One of them says, “No, my Dad is a Red Sox fan, my Mom is a Red Sox fan, so I’m a Red Sox fan.”

So the teacher says, “Well, that’s not very good; if your mother and father were both morons, would that make you a moron too?”

“No, that would make me a New York Yankees fan.”

[Soxfan1]

So there's this lady in her 20's

She only has 3 friends. A firefighter, a policeman and a blind dude. They're very stupid besides the blindman.

So shes taking a shower.

She hears the doorbell.

She turns off the shower puts on a towel and opens the door.

It's the fireman and he says " guess what, I put out a fire"

She says congrats and he leaves.

She goes back to the shower. Gets back to showering but the doorbell rings again

She turns off the shower puts on a towel and opens the door.

It's the policeman and he says " I caught a robber today"

She says congrats and goes back to the shower. Once again the doorbell rings while she is in the shower. She knows it's the blindman so she turns off the shower, but doesn;t bother to put a towel on since he's blind and opens the door.

The blindman says "guess what . I can see.

[Yanksin2010]

Not Funny.

[element1151]

The Sox ones were the first time, but they have been repeated to death.

[CrespoBlows]

Copy and paste mean anything to you, soxfan?

[Soxfan1]

Copy and paste mean anything to you, soxfan?

A little. The 3rd one was purely made up by a friend of mine.

[DOrtiz4prez]

I liked the one about the lawyer, the BMW, and the Rolex.

[stocker323]

A little. The 3rd one was purely made up by a friend of mine.

I've heard that one or something similar to it before.

[beatgirl]

Every morning when my neighbor leaves for work his wife walks out to the driveway and gives him a big juicy kiss. One day my husband notices this and complains, "How come you never do that?" To which I replied, "I would but I don't know her well enough."

[yeszir]

This contest is now over, no more submissions will be accepted. The winner will be posted later on today.

[yeszir]

Winner:

 

Radgeta, for his:

A man goes to the doctor.

"Whats the problem?" asks the doctor.

"Whenever I use this finger I feel immense pain," said the man holding out the finger.

"Well maybe you shouldn't use it jackass," replied the doctor

joke which was one of the few that made me laugh.

 

Radgeta, you have 3 days from this post to PM me and claim your prize, I believe all I need is an email address from you. If I get no PM, another joke will be chosen (and one of Element's is looking pretty good).

[element1151]

Don't worry, I won't tell Rad he won!

[yeszir]

Element is the new winner since no pm was recieved from Radgeta, for his joke:

 

Questions Not To Ask In Foreign Lands

 

IRELAND

“Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk?”

 

FRANCE

“Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that?”

 

ITALY

“I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O’s! ”

 

GERMANY

“Is this bratwurst kosher?”

 

SWEDEN

“Do you have any normal meatballs?”

 

CANADA

“You’re like Americans without money.”

 

SAUDI ARABIA

“Would you like to see my designs for a solar powered car?"

 

RUSSIA

“Is it always this cold and economically devastated?”

 

UZBEKISTAN

“Can you spell Uzbekistan?”

 

GREECE

“I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."

 

AFGHANISTAN

“Seriously, where is the real country… where is everything?”

 

JAPAN

“What’s Hiroshima? Is that a kind of sushi?”

 

Please PM me with your email address within 3 days. You know the deal.