Birthday contest: $10 mlb.com gift certificate

[yeszir]

Supplied by the one and only yeszir (and yagmaster), talksox.com is pleased to offer a $10 gift certificate to the mlb.com store located at www.mlb.com. It is good for your favorite Red Sox merchandise, as well as that of other teams (god forbid). The rules for this contest are as follows:

• You must be a registered member of the talksox.com community. Moderators may enter.
  
• You must post a joke
  

 

You may post as many jokes as you deem necessary. If duplicate jokes are posted, the person who posted it first will be credited with the joke. The joke deemed funniest by yeszir and yagmaster will be declared the winner (those who know our sense of humor will have a distinct advantage in this contest). Please note that there is no post count requirement to enter this contest.

 

Racist jokes will not be tolerated and will result in immediate disqualification from this and all other contests. If you are unsure whether a joke can be constituted as racist, please pm yeszir before posting it.

 

This contest will end on Monday, April 11th at 9:30 pm EST. May the best joke win.

[CrespoBlows]

Here's one

 

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

 

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

 

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

 

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

 

"Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

 

Husband 2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

 

Husband 3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

 

Husband 4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

 

Husband 5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

 

Husband 6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

 

Husband 7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

 

Husband 8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

 

Husband 9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

 

Husband 10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

 

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

 

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[softball]

There was a guy who worked for Blockbuster video. He found it to be a great but complicated job.

One day he was at the register and a older man came in and asked if he could buy a phone card. So the guy gave him a card, and he wrote him a check for $39.80. He then told him that it was 20 cents short, so he gave him 2 dimes.

Unfortunitely when he typed this into the computer, he missed the period on the keyboard and it came up as 20 dollars.

 

That night, the manager said that he was $19.80 short. The manager thought the guy had stolen it, so he fired him immediately.

 

And the moral to this story is:

"Guys get in trouble over missed periods."

[yankeessuck013]

Two Blondes were in a car and came to a fork in a road and the sign said Disneyland left...

So they turned around and went home.

[yankeessuck013]

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

 

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

 

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

 

"Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

 

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

 

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

 

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

 

"Terribly, doctor, terribly."

 

"Did it not work?"

 

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

 

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

 

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

[yankeessuck013]

A lawyer, a doctor, and a redneck were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help.

 

A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the lawyer top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the lawyer was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said, "Hi there...what are you doing carrying a glass of water through the desert?"

 

The lawyer explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water.

 

A little while later the rancher noticed the doctor walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand. "What are you doing?" asked the rancher again.

 

As before, the doctor explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he had the bread.

 

Finally the redneck appeared, dragging a car door through the sand. More curious than ever, the rancher asked, "Hey, why are you dragging that car door?"

 

"Well," said the redneck, "I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I'll roll down the window."

[yankeessuck013]

well since this is a red sox forum, thought'd i'd post this joke even though everyone here has probably heard it....

 

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Yankees fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Yankees fans.

 

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?"

 

"Because I'm not a Yankees fan," she replied.

 

The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Yankees fan, then who are you a fan of?"

 

"I am a Red Sox fan, and proud of it," Janie replied.

 

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why pray tell are you a Red Sox fan?"

 

"Because my mom is a Red Sox fan, and my dad is Red Sox fan, so I'm a Red Sox fan too!"

 

"Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be a Red Sox fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom were a moron and your dad were a moron,

what would you be then?"

 

"Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Yankees fan."

[element1151]

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

 

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

 

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

 

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

 

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."

[CrespoBlows]

A guy walks into the doctor's office complaining about symptoms of AIDS, the doctor prescribes him to have a diet of ethnic foods, chili, and other spicy foods. Weeks later the man returns, and the doctor ask him "how have you been feeling?" The man then replies "Doctor, I've been having to use the bathroom a lot lately, is that supposed to make me feel better?" "No" the doctor replies, "but now you know how to really use your *******"

[CrespoBlows]

A brunette walks into a bar and ask for a SA, "What's that?" the bartender asks? "Oh, it's a Sam Adams" the brunette replies.

 

A redhead walks into a bar and asks for a ML, "What's that?" the bartender asks again. "It's a Michelob light," the redhead says.

 

This time a blonde walks in and asks for a 15, "What's that?" the bartender asks once again. The blonde replies "7 and 7, duh!"

[CrespoBlows]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

 

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

 

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[yankeessuck013]

One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk.

 

Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way.

 

Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling.

 

"What do you have in your pocket?", she asked.

 

"Tennis ball,? the man said smiling back.

 

"Wow," said the blond looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!"

[CrespoBlows]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

 

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

 

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

 

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[CrespoBlows]

An old main wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver. "I have a dead pussy"

 

The driver pointed to the woman seated behind him, and said "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

[CrespoBlows]

Signs That You are Too Drunk

 

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

 

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

 

Your job is interfering with your drinking.

 

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.

 

Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

 

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

 

You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.

 

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!

 

Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

 

You can focus better with one eye closed.

 

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

 

You fall off the floor..

 

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

 

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

 

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

 

At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is.. uh..'

 

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

 

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.

 

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in..

 

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and Women or Men.

 

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

 

Roseanne looks good.

 

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

 

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

 

I'm as sober as a judge.

 

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

 

You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night.

[papi4prez]

a man walks into a bar and starts chugging down shot after shot after shot. the bartender asks him what happened and the man replies "well, i just found out that my brother's gay."

then he leaves the bar

 

the next day the same man walks in to the same bar and starts drinkin hard alcohol left and right when the bartender asked him "what happened today," to which the man replied "i just found out my other brother is gay." then the man leaves

 

the next day the same man walks in to the same bar and starts drinking again and the bartender asks him "what happened this time?" which the man replied, "i just found out my father's gay." then he left.

 

finally, the next day, the same man walks into the same bar and is drinking beer after beer after beer for hours. the bartender asks him "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"

to that, the man replied, "Ya, my wife"

[yankeessuck013]

A guy walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. The bartender poured him the drink and the guy drank it down in one gulp.

 

"Wow," said the bartender. "Something bad musta happened."

 

"I came home early today," answered the guy. "I went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best friend."

 

The bartender poured the dude another triple shot. "This one's on the house." The guy gulped it down once again. The bartender asked, "Did you say anything to your wife?"

 

The guy answered, "Yeah, I walked up to her and told her we were through. ‘Pack your bag's and get out!’ I told her."

 

"What about your friend?" asked the bartender.

 

"I looked him straight in the eye and said, ‘Bad dog!’"

[yankeessuck013]

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

 

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

 

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

 

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

 

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

 

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

 

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

 

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

 

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

 

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

 

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

 

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

 

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

 

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

 

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

 

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

 

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

 

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

 

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

[yankeessuck013]

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other at the bar. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, drunk and dozing, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

 

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."

 

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

 

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

 

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game.

 

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

 

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

 

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

 

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.

 

He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

 

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"

 

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

[yankeessuck013]

Guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.

 

The first guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"

 

"A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."

 

"Great, can I try it?"

 

"Sure."

 

First guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish says the genie."

 

The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"

 

"Done" says the genie and disappears.

 

A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and in come pouring in ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.

 

"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

 

The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"

[yankeessuck013]

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

 

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

 

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

 

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

 

"What's it telling you now?"

 

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

 

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

 

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

[yankeessuck013]

A woman walked into the doctor's but didn't like the way he was looking at her. When he told her to undress she asked him to turn out the lights before she disrobed. After he turned out the lights she said:

 

"Where will I put my clothes?"

 

"Hang them up over here," he replied, "next to mine."

[yankeessuck013]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

 

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[yankeessuck013]

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.

 

The Pope proceeds to hop on Route 95 and starts accelerating to see what the limo could go. Well, he gets to about 90 miles per hour and,WHAM! There are the blue lights of our friendly State Police in his mirror.

 

He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well, the trooper, seeing who it was, says "just a moment please I need to call in."

 

The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."

 

The chief replies "Who is it, not Ted again ?"

 

The trooper says, "No, even more important."

 

The chief replies, "It's the Governor, isn't it ?"

 

The trooper replies "No, even more important."

 

"It isn't the President is it?"

 

"No, more important," replies the trooper.

 

"Well, WHO the HECK is it!", screams the chief.

 

"I don't know" says the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur!"

[yankeessuck013]

A man who went to church with his wife always fell asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this. One Sunday, she took a long hatpin with her to poke him with every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out, "And who created all there is in six days and rested on the seventh," she poked her husband, who came flying out of the pew and screamed, "Good God almighty!"

 

The minister said, "That's right, that's right," and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off again. When the minister got to, "And who died on the cross to save us from our sins," the wife hit him again, and he jumped up and shouted, "Jesus Christ!" The minister said, "That's right, that's right," and went on with his sermon.

 

The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got to, "And what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?" the wife started to poke the husband again, but he jumped up and said, "I f you stick that damn thing in me again, I'll break it off!"

[yankeessuck013]

A new primary school teacher starts her first day of class. She begins by asking students to stand and introduce themselves

 

The first child stands and says, "My name is Mary Johnson."

 

"Thank you, Mary", says the teacher.

 

The second student says, "My name is Sam Smith."

 

"Thank you, Sam."

 

The third student says, "My name is Johnny F**khour."

 

The teacher is horrified, and tells Johnny that this type of language will not be allowed. He replies, "Honest, my name is Johnny F**khour. If you don't believe me, check up in the fifth grade where my brother is."

 

So the teacher walks up to the fifth grade class, and asks, "Do you have a F**khour in here?"

 

One boy stands in the back of the room and says, "Hell, no! We don't even get a nap hour in here!"

[yankeessuck013]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

 

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.

[yankeessuck013]

A Rabbi, a Protestant minister and a Catholic Priest were taking a party of kids on a cruise. Suddenly the ship hit a rock and began to sink.

 

The Rabbi cried out: "Quick! The kids!"

 

"f*** the kids!" said the minister, heading out.

 

"Do you think we have time?" said the priest.

[element1151]

I have a joke: The winner of this contest will not be yankeessuck013, even though he has done all this work!!!

 

I can hear the laughter now...

[element1151]

Can it be just a funny quote?