Youk Of The Nation

New York- In a move sure to cause dismay in the Yankees organization, the entire 25-man roster was moved to the 60-day disabled list, retroactive to April 24th. A bizarre parade of injuries and accidents forced management to sideline every player on the team for fear of aggravating any of their physical problems. "Well, yes, it's disappointing", said outfielder Bobby Abreu, who was DL'ed with stomach pain after swallowing a fly during batting practice. "It's hard to be competitive when you don't have anyone out there on the field" "Joe [Torre] has been looking into teaching our batboys, grounds crew, and season-ticket holders how to field and hit", explained infielder Robinson Cano, who is out indefinitely after shattering all ten of his fingers during a fiddling contest with Satan, Lord of Darkness. "It's funny to watch them out there, but it still makes you worry about the future of the team." George Stienbrenner, owner of the Yankees, maintains that this is only a temporary problem. He assured reporters yesterday that he and GM Brian Cashman are doing everything possible to continue bringing winning, enjoyable baseball to New York. "We are in the beginning stages of negotiations to purchase the Mets", Cashman informed a small contingent of reporters gathered outside the hospital room where Derek Jeter currently resides in a coma after diving headfirst through a sliding glass door in his kitchen while trying to catch a pancake on a spatula. Obviously upset at the loss of stars such as Jeter, Abreu, Cano, and Melky Cabrera, who was DL'ed after his head was accidentally grafted to the neck of Johnny Damon when a transdimensional wormhole opened up in left-center field last week during a game against Cleveland, Yankees fans are wondering whether this should be the end of the line for Torre. "I was willing to look past the continuing trend of disappointing first-and-second round postseason defeats", said Manhattan resident and lifelong Yankees fan Timothy Wolcott, "but after A-Rod, our star player, blinded himself with that extra-strength hair gel and then fell down the stairs, you have to wonder...what is Torre doing with that team?" For now, the Yankees remain in last place. After slightly more than 20 games, they sit 30 games out of first place, 7 games behind the fourth place Devil Rays. And when the Yankees and the NYPD can positively identify the DNA in the gullet of the grizzly bear that was shot dead on 34th street late Thursday as that of Jason Giambi, then that is where they will remain. "I was really hoping to play for a winning team again," said former Royal Doug Mientkiewicz, who was sidelined after receiving third degree burns on his hands when he refused to release a hot potato his wife asked him to put back in the pot. "Now...I dont know. Its like were in a funk...but Im sure we can get out of it, just as soon as Miguel Cairo and Josh Phelps get back from their interdimensional search for Johnny Damon's head." Phelps then pointed towards the headless body of Melky Cabrera. "I think theyre going to put it on there, if Carl Pavano stops stealing organs from it."

Oh, absolutely. If hes not coaching or managing the Astros in ten years Ill be shocked.

He rounds out my top 5 favorite current players and my top 5 all time players, so Im biased. I just think this guy has had an amazing career, put up steadily wonderful numbers, especially in doubles, played a damn good second base, and holds the alltime record for being plunked. Not only that, hes classy, honest, philanthropic, and an all around f***ing awesome person. Hall of Fame, watch out...here comes Craig!

I bet you all 5 dollars Minky doesnt hit a 7 run homer.

Youk with three RBI's today. Do we even need a pitcher to throw for the ninth? Or can Wily Mo or Francona or DeMarlo Hale just go out there and chuck baseballs in the general direction of Varitek? Yankees must really feel like s*** paying all that money to Myers more or less only to get Ortiz out, when he cant seem to do it.

My God, something is burning! Call the police! Call the fire department! Oh, wait, it's only the Yankee's bullpen. Mariano can't even get through an inning now. Coco was 0fer something against him until last week, no?

Ahahahahah.

Okay?

A season or two ago, who would have thought the Sox fans here would be jumping with joy when Rivera comes in?

I dont usually use cyber-abbreviations, but I think this calls for a LMAO.

"Not easy to do off of Mariano Rivera" Not last season, maybe.

I dont get NESN here at my friend's apartment...why is he pissed?

No, Donnelly can throw further.

Washington, for the first time this season, has scored in the first inning of a game.

Nice.

Shouldve just gone for one.

Teixeira and Wilkerson with two run shots and Sammy Sosa 'uncorking' a solo blast. Toronto losing 5-0 in the third.

Only beautiful women and men exclaim mine. Youk of Red Sox Nation, I should have said.

Ortiz really motored on that one.

Youk of the Nation!

Nice hitting by Lugo on a shoulder-high pitch....3-0 to Youk.

Zing! Dice-K'd. Be back soon.

Just K him so I can go have a cigarette.

Giambi runs slow enough to have been thrown out on that dribbler.

I know, I know. Im just being mildly jerkish.